shit you’ll hear from people when you’re lohan’d out
-don’t do it man
-YOU NEED JESUS
-you should see a therapist
-i’m worried about you
-you need help
-you need to slow down
been hearing way too many different people telling me this shit. i sure as shit ain’t goin to church, so i guess i’ll just go to the shrink’s office.
Anonymous asked: i was always the type of person to want to lose my virginity to someone i was in a loving relationship with. but then i came to college and gave it up to a guy who i'd been talking to for almost 3 months, we dont see other people, but we haven't really declared it a relationship either... am i being stupid?
you didn’t have to tell me what type you were, I could already tell by the way you said “my virginity”. look you fucking bubblehead… all virginity is is having sex for the first time, sticking a P in your V once doesn’t magically transform you into a different human being. IT’S ONLY AS BIGAFUCKINGDEAL AS YOU MAKE IT.
sorry you didn’t get the perfect virginity loss you dreamed of or the loving relationship that was supposed to accompany it. I hear sex is good for worrying about dumb shit. And don’t worry, it gets better with time.
thank you for all these years. thank you for living through everything you lived through for us, for everything you put up with for us. for every time he bruised you, for every tear he made you cry, for every fucking shard of glass you picked up off the floor, for all the times you pretended everything was okay, for all the nights you didn’t sleep. for all the hours you poured into your education, career, and business to support us, for all the time you spent in the kitchen to feed us. for all the lessons you picked us up from, all the miles you traveled to bring us here, all the apartments and houses you turned into homes for us, thank you.
momma thank you for giving me a role model worth having - kind, hard working, educated, creative. a career and business woman, house wife, and mother. you built our entire lives from the ground up, everything we are everything we have is thanks to you. you held us down through so many highs and lows, the good and the terrible, the poor and the rich, the gains and the losses, the comfort and the struggle. thank you for always picking up all the pieces, and showing me the strength it takes to put things back together, to start over, to build anew. i’m in awe of you, your courage to walk away, your ability to stay strong, kind, in tact. we hate him for everything he did but you still tell us to love him, to be good sons and daughters to him. i wonder if i can ever be like you momma, that magnanimous, that able to turn the other cheek.
if i could grow to be even a third of the woman you are momma, i would be better than most. momma thank you for working your ass off to raise us right, even though we did and still do wrong. momma rest assured the world could never break us, you built us to weather all storms, you raised us to not know how to stay down, only to spit out the blood and get back up. there isn’t enough space for me to express my gratitude, and words could never be enough.
thank you momma.
Anonymous asked: yo, i'm into some weird shit sexually. like way more freaky than cunnilingus which is pretty awesome. so how do you go from meeting a nice girl and bein a gentleman to kinky rough shit in bed? i don't want to come off like a crazy person.
define “weird shit sexually”. also define “nice girl”.
“your sincerity is why they fall in love with you. but it is also why they will take advantage of you.” - my mentor
Anonymous asked: how do I know if I have a small penis ?
i’ve read somewhere (probably some shitty women’s magazine) that the average penis size is between 5.5 and 6 inches. if you’re smaller than that google “Howard Stern Smallest Penis Contest” to make yourself feel better.
1. don’t say wildly incriminating shit on the phone or via text. yes even if you think your drug dealer isn’t shit. if you can call people up and ask to buy illicit drugs the people who gave out their fucking number should have a good idea of what and how much you need. or you guys should have some sort of secret drug language worked out where you can sound like complete assholes while you talk to each other to figure it out. when in doubt shut the fuck up and talk about it in person with them or wait for them to give you the “this is my boost” go ahead to say shit like
“Hey is this Joel? What’s up dude it’s Dylan. Are you around today? Sweet. I need a ki of blow. That last shit you sold me was fucking awesome the fiends fucking loved it. How much is it gonna be? You can’t cut me a break from the last price? Ok come to 123 Jux-Me Street I’ll be home at 6:30”
2. don’t show up with any unannounced unknown people. it don’t matter if it’s your bff of 13 years who’s totally not a cop, your drug dealer is paranoid, so just don’t. unless it’s a really hot chick he probably won’t mind then.
3. don’t blow up phones. cokeheads are the fucking worst about this. if they want to make money they’ll hit you back, do not fucking text or call 23 times back to back. fucking cokeheads.
4. don’t be short. not even a dollar you bum fuck. also don’t ask to be spotted shit.
5. don’t ask so many fucking questions. yes i know you wanna make sure it’s on point and the shit’s good and what kind is it and did you make sure to weigh it out blahblah fucking blah. you might be asking for your own peace of mind but your drug dealer’s just gonna lie and say yes to all those questions ‘cause he knows if you’re already at the point where you’re asking 21 questions, you gonna buy the shit regardless of how shitty it is you fucking fiend.
do these things and your drug dealer won’t secretly hate you and give you the skimpest bag outta the bunch. he might even turn off the episode of the wire he’s watching and come through in those times when you’re in desperate need. just as much as you find your needlessly paranoid drug dealers annoying to deal with, they find your custie ass annoying too.
Anonymous asked: so I got chlamydia. but before I took the meds I got with all the guys who were dating the girls I hate, including my ex. now I'm clap free and they all have the clap and they don't know they do, but they will soon(: also, I've been with around 15 guys is that slutty?
dear anonymous,
you are a triflin ho. not because of the number of people you’ve fucked, but because of the low way in which you choose to use your pussy. going around using your pussy as a revenge tool is how you catch the clap in the first place. it’s your pussy do what you want with it, but i only condone using the pussy for pleasure or pay. insteada worrying about infecting all these bitches you passive aggressively hate maybe you should be plotting on the motherfucker who gave it to you in the first place. brace yourself for the consequences of your actions, you probably have some “bitch you fuckin burnt me” calls coming your way or at least some talk going around about your pussy being epidemically infectious. also always remember when you’re raw dogging people to spread the clap, the other dude could have herpes or HIV which doesn’t just clear up with a few meds. it’s never too late to slow your fuckin roll and change your trifling ho ways.
dear readers,
use condoms.
“OhMyGod SheisLike Suuuuchhh aBitch. I reallythink shes just jealous of me because sheslike reeally insecure. she totally had lipo and her boobs done, not implants though she had them reduced. Her boyfriend is into like reeeeally skinny anorexic modeltypes. Ugh I hate him he’s sucha jerk they’re not even happy together all they ever do is fight. I dunno she’s totallylike disappeared since she got back together with him and that’s not cool I NEVER do that to myfriends. Even when me and Sergei were dating I always made time for my friends. can you BUHlieve she cancelled on me and Lisa when we were supposed to go to the mall, just to hang out wi—”
BITCH SHUT THE FUCK UP
Anonymous asked: I'm 18 and I'm fucking a 15 year old.
it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught. hope it’s consensual.
